Wednesday, Molly came home from school with her Daily Report. I typically scan it quickly and toss it into the trash. Not THIS Wednesday! This Wednesday, the writing was in RED INK! (That is NEVER a good sign.) Wanna see what it said?
Molly had trouble during our circle; she kept talking and hitting the wall. The problem is that she refuses to leave without being physically removed. I can just haul her over to a table until she's ready to return and join her friends, but some of the other teachers can't lift the dead weight. She's really doing well during 90% of the activities but this new refusal to walk is presenting some hurdles. Do you have any suggestions on how we can motivate her to move without being hauled? I'm afraid someone's going to end up hurt. Thanks! Ms. Jenny
Oh my GOODNESS! The words that initially jumped out at me while reading that were "physically removed," "haul her over," and "dead weight." Are we talking about a spunky, adorable five-year-old girl or a prisoner of war?!?! What HAS preschool come to these days? As I mulled over what to do about that sternly worded, red-inked message from Ms. Jenny, Carson handed me HIS Daily Report. No red ink, but it was highlighted in bright yellow. Uh-oh...
Carson started his day out great but then had to be put on "yellow" for not following directions, and then was moved to "red" for throwing a toy in class.
Initial reaction? "Are you KIDDING me?! You are six years old and you're throwing toys like a toddler?! Gimme a break!!"
But then I stepped back to get some perspective.
Molly had her world thoroughly rocked just three short months ago when we adopted her and removed her from everything familiar. She was thrown into preschool a week after arriving in the U.S. and has been expected to follow rules she doesn't understand given to her in a language she barely speaks. Maybe there's something about circle time that infuriates her...or bores her. The whole "haul her" and "dead weight" part is a bit comical to me, actually. She's a spunky one who will assert herself when allowed. Apparently Ms. Jenny's sweet admonitions of "Are you making safe choices, Molly?" don't catch her attention like our typical, "MOLLY, what are you DOING?! Sit in the whiney chair, NOW!" She has never dropped to the floor and forced us to haul her dead weight to the punishment corner. Never. Maybe the problem in the classroom is Miss Jenny's tactics and not Molly's reaction to them. Hmmmmm...
And as for Carson, he also had his world thoroughly rocked just two and half short months ago when we arrived home with Molly and changed his role in our family. He has been forced to share space, toys, and Mommy with this new little girl who is loud and boisterous and demands attention at every turn. He definitely feels threatened by her presence in our family and acts out pretty continuously in an effort to be noticed. (Hey, even negative attention is attention, right?!) While I definitely don't condone toy throwing in any environment, have you ever watched a group of six-year-old boys playing together? There is a lot of noise and activity...and throwing of whatever will fly. So basically Carson got in trouble for...well, for being a six-year-old BOY!
We did not share my "perspective" with the Littles, of course. They were sternly told that they were not behaving well at school and needed to shape up and apologize to their teachers the next morning. In addition, they are both grounded from TV and movies until next Wednesday, when we will re-evaluate their conduct at school. (Trust me, in this TV-watching household, that is a HUGE punishment.) Unfortunately, that leaves us with a weekend at home and no ability to put them in front of Nick Jr. or a Disney movie for a mental break. Oh, well...we'll survive. Maybe we'll go to a park or something...
On Thursday, Molly's Daily Report had another red-inked message. My heart sank. It read:
Molly was too cute this morning. She came and gave me a big hug and said, "Sorry!" She did better in circle and was in charge of her own body. :)"
Whew! Let's just see how long it lasts...
My five-year-old, Ellie MeiXiang, had similar notes from preschool yesterday and Thursday. She had to be removed from circle time due to excessive talking and not keeping her hands off the other children. They removed her and put her in the reading center. When I asked Ellie, "Do you mind leaving circle time and being put in the reading center?", she said, "No mommy. I like going to the reading center." So I'm assuming the notes from preschool next week will be interesting.
ReplyDeleteWe're just now realizing how incredibly frustrating it was for Tie the first few months, when he didn't understand much English and was starting to lose his Mandarin, and didn't have a soul who understood his home dialect. This kid is a talker, and he. . .couldn't talk! Also, at this point, hearing stories and long totally incomprehensible talking in English just did not work, he'd tune it out or get mad. He had meltdowns but he was older, so he managed school half days pretty well, though of course he just didn't "pay attention" to stories and such like the other kids. Of course not, not yet. That came later.
ReplyDeleteI will mention that Tie knew how to act in school, but he also knew from his life in China that if he misbehaved, the teacher would hit him. . .and if she didn't, we would. So the day he finally did get in a little trouble, he told a boy who was teasing him to shut up, he ran away and hid on the playground. He would not come in. They finally had to carry him in, totally limp, and called me and I came in to find him in the fetal position on the bench. He won't talk to me, says the principal. No kidding. He was terrified.
That was the breakthrough: "Why you no hit me?"
It is not at all uncommon for kids to be hit if they're misbehaving. And Molly cannot understand what is being said, she does not know what they want and will do. She can only go on what she knows, and this may explain why she'll walk to the chair with you but goes limp at school. She knows what you will do, but as for the teachers . . .
And you're right, longwinded explanations in sweetly correct language will not work. A little Mandarin might help, "Bu yao!" (bu yow) worked for our guy; cut right through the clutter. Means don't want, as in I don't want you to do that. Also, "Zou le!" (zo leh) means "Let's go!" I could say that across a crowded room and it would get his attention. "Hao!" (how) is "good," "dui" (dway) is correct. Add bu in front of either of these for "not good" and "not correct." Tie didn't hear bu dui from his teachers, it seems, but I sure heard it from mine. . . Bu hao worked better for him. And HAO! meant more than GOOD for a long time. Instant smile!
Anyway, even though Tie caught onto basic English quickly, it sure helped in those first months for him to hear Chinese for things that needed an immediate response. He didn't have to think first, he could react. He didn't start school until a couple of months after we got home, but we used them for months after that too.
And the sibling thing is huge, too. We've been down that road and we really had to keep working with teachers to help them understand all of what was going on, since they only know what they see in class and assume that all kids are coming from similar places in life.
Best!
Ruth
I've found that teachers truly just don't get what our kids are doing, the immensity of the change. They just have no point of reference. So it may be that Molly can do circle successfully, or it may be that it would be best for her to do something that is appropriate for her at this time, working one on one with a teacher to look at things and learn their names, learn colors, or something, then join circle for a song after story, for example.
They need to understand the frustration and incomprehensibility of the situation for Molly. She is not a bad kid. I think she is just reaching her limit, it's just too much and it comes out physically in doing something that makes her feel better inside.
Ruth, are you available to come with us to Parent/Teacher Conferences?? LOL!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, thanks for the insight. I think I'll copy your valuable words into a letter to both teachers for delivery on Monday morning.
Teresa =)
Sometimes I think we "baby" kids too much and pussy foot around with them. My opinion is I don't think they were coddled where they came from, lol, so they're used to being ordered around. Take my Ciara for instance. I tried being nice and explain to her why this behavior and that behavior was not acceptable and I Dr. Spocked my way through some things, but in the end a good ole "STOP THAT!" in a much louder voice worked much better. And that she understood immediately, lol. The other stuff she just looked at me as if to say, "Do you think I'm stupid? I know exactly what I'm doing and until I push the right buttons I'm not going to stop doing it!" lol
ReplyDeleteAnd that comment by the teacher, "Are you making safe choices?" give me a break. Of course not, they're kids! lol
Jackie
Here is just an observation - it has been a long week at our home as well. I think the time change really is much harder on kids than on adults. It's like they have a little jet-lag. You are a wise Mom - you know your kids. The Little's have been through a lot, and I would be more worried about them if they weren't acting out from time to time. People who haven't adopted just can't understand everything these kids are going through. We don't even understand it all, and we live with them. They sound like they are wonderful, normal kiddo's.
ReplyDelete~Midge
Yeah! Some years teaching preschool is going to be more challenging than others, like when a darling little girl arrives on the scene straight from China, where I don't think they use mushy pscho-babble to drive their points home. Guess who just might learn a lot this year, besides Molly!!?!? And Carson had thought all along that he got you to himself (except for Meggie who was pretty self-sufficient). Pretty big adjustments! He will be fine. Now the no TV thing? Ohhh, I've been so punished by that punishment! But I survived. It still works wonders at our house, too, except I have to add ALL SCREENS. I don't like those days but they seem to help.
ReplyDeleteYou're a good Mom. Keep up the good work.
Carolyn (in Las Vegas)
Yes, Carolyn, the "no TV" punishment is bugging the kids...but it is KILLING me!! Daddy just sits in front of the big screen (hey, football doesn't hold off during punishment weeks), so I've been banished to the basement toy room with the kids to keep 'em away from the TV. Ugghh!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I can always count on you and Midge for compliments. I'm not feeling much like a "good" or "wise" Mommy this week...I appreciate the kind words!!
Teresa =)
I gotta say I agree with you on the poor wording of the note. I hope the teacher is just word "challenged" when it comes to note writing. My child being referred to as "dead weight" would not sit well with me. It sounds like you handled it well, though, and it's great you were able take a step back and get a good overall look at all Molly and Carson have been through it such a short time. I'm glad the next day was a better day. I think you're a supermom!
ReplyDelete