Are We There Yet?

Gulp...

Carson and Molly like to play the "When I Was in China" game...where they compete over who-did-what before they joined our family. Often we don't know whether to believe what they are saying or not as they bounce back and forth, trying to out-do each other.

But then there are other times...quiet times when Molly will just share memories from China. Sometimes those things are sweet or funny, but sometimes they tear out my heart.

The other morning, while I was putting Molly's hair in "piddy tails," she started talking about her Mommy in China. She said she had a Mommy but no Daddy, and there were lots of babies. I suggested that maybe that wasn't a Mommy but an "ayi" (which is what the nannies are called). She agreed that the ayis took care of the babies, but she had a "China Mommy." She also told me that was why she cried when she met me, because she liked her China Mommy and didn't want to leave her.

This conversation was all very matter-of-fact on Molly's part, without any sadness. But my heart was breaking for her.

I composed myself and we continued to talk about China. She told me she had a big brother who always sat in a chair in circle time. She talked about how much fun she had playing on the see-saw in China. This trip down Memory Lane was getting more and more painful for me.

Then she completely changed gears.

She said she is glad she doesn't live in China now...that she loves "her Carson, her Meggie, her Daddy, and her Mommy." She said she likes being a "princess" and living in "our castle."

While I'm glad she seems OK with things, I suddenly feel a strong desire to pull out the pics from China and plaster her bedroom with them. For that matter, I think I'll do the same for Carson. Meggie and I will make it a priority to create collages for both of them that specifically include pics of their foster moms and foster sibs. It's a small gesture in the scheme of things, but maybe it's a way to keep their "China families" in their memories.

I'm guessing these heartbreaking conversations are never gonna get easier...